Monday, January 5, 2015

New Year's Resolutions

Yeah, right. Since when have I ever been remotely resolute?

I need to prioritize my health. Over the last year and a half or so, I've been feeling worse and worse. I walk less, my cardio and strength are way down, I don't get enough sleep and I'm tired all the time. I hesitate to say I've been depressed, although...I've felt all kinds of bad. Sometimes I cry for no reason, and I mean I'm crying, just sobbing my eyes out, but inside, my heart is bland. Sometimes I just sit and don't do anything, and it's like I'm melting into the floor. Simile, not psychosis. It's not all the time, or even most of the time (except it has been for certain periods, for days at a time, and then I'm "fine" for a week or two). My heart randomly pounds. My body aches in places. My hips. My ankles sometimes. My neck and shoulders. My lower back, especially when I wake up in the morning, which is part of why I haven't been getting enough sleep, because I wake up after five or six hours in pain and I can't lay down anymore. My right second thumb knuckle often hurts bad when I try to use it, especially in the morning.

So my goals, for the month of January, are:

 1) go to bed earlier. I've been going to bed after midnight all vacation, but it wasn't much better than that before. This week I will try going to bed at 11:30 instead. I also intend to experiment with pillows and see if I can't make a more comfy nest for myself.

2) Make an appointment with a doctor and dump all these symptoms on her, see what she says. I had my thyroid checked last year and it was normal. Problem is the nurse I usually see isn't there anymore so I'll have to find a new doctor over at the clinic. I worry that the new doc will blame my fat for all of my problems when I know that's not it. I've always been big. I haven't always had these problems. I also have this HUGE resistance to making phone calls and going to places where I can't ignore strangers looking at me and might have to let one touch me.

Aaaaaaaaaand that's it for now.

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